Crisotunity’s Candidate Catalogue
After November 4th 2008, exactly 8 months from today, George W Bush will no longer be President of the USA (God bless the 22nd amendment). Who will take his place as leader of the free world and have the unenviable job of cleaning up the giant steaming turd W. has left on the rug in the oval office? One of the people featured in Crisotunity’s Candidate Catalogue, that’s who. Now let’s take a look at the field:
***DEMOCRATS***
Hillary Clinton
3 SECOND GUIDE:
As First Lady, Hillary’s proposed Health Care Bill was famously defeated in 1994. She spent the rest of her First Ladyship more concerned with Bill’s heath care, which included an incongruous number of penicillin shots – the reason for which became apparent in 1998.
RACE SO FAR:
Two things have marked Hillary’s campaign-
1)The fact that the one-time front runner has been dacked by Obama in the last few months - once considered a near-certainty to grab the nomination she may be out of the race as early as tomorrow if she loses big in Ohio and Texas.
2)The tears she shed in early January. Interestingly enough the media’s response to the incident shied away from sexist remarks about pressure and a woman being President and such, like… what if she cries ALL the time? ..when negotiating trade agreements, or when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says nasty things behind her back, or when she can’t find shoes to match her tastefully androgynous pantsuit…? No, none of that. In fact most media commentators went in the other direction and questioned the sincerity of the tears, putting it down to a stunt and not believing that such a cold-hard bitch could have - let alone express - any such emotion. I was in this latter camp, as I’d read reports that she’d had her tear ducts surgically removed in 2001.
WOULD BE A GOOD DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…she’d make a formidable candidate in the general election, despite her vagina. Hillary claims more experience than Obama when it comes to matters of foreign policy, which could make the impending tussle with McCain a tad less worrisome. However…
WOULD BE A BAD DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…she’s given the ‘more experienced than Obama’ angle a solid go for the last few months. It’s her go-to attack, culminating in this fairly hideous advertisement:
This angle hasn’t helped her so far; in fact it seems most voters don’t care if she’s got years of experience, or if her sole practice in foreign affairs is shooing all the Thai hookers out of Bill’s rumpus room.
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT…:
…well she IS a woman, so you can expect her to confound other world leaders with that weird indirect talk that chicks seem to love:
Chick: ‘I’m reading a really great book at the moment.’
Translation: ‘I don’t want to go to the movie. I’d like to stay home and read a book.’
Chick: ‘You know, I think the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty is just nifty.’
Translation: ‘Knock it off with the nuke shit or we’ll shoot you all.’
(On a totally unrelated note – can anyone surmise why I’m still single…?)
Barack Obama
3 SECOND GUIDE:
Isn’t he just dreamy? Listen to the guy talk and you can see why he draws comparisons to JFK and Martin Luther King Jr. Unfortunately these comparisons have also brought fears that his assassination is inevitable. On the upside, if he does get shot the resulting sympathy vote will almost surely deliver the White House to the Democrats. Nice.
RACE SO FAR:
Along with performing far better than most people expected, speculation about Obama’s religion has also been a key feature of his campaign. He has repeatedly had to deny claims that he is a suicide bomber - oh sorry, a Muslim – most recently when the Clinton camp circulated this photo of Obama on a diplomatic trip to Africa:
George Bush had a similar problem a few years ago when this photo did the rounds:
It was thought that his approval rating would take a big hit until it was revealed that Bush is NOT actually a Mexican - he’s just an arsehole.
WOULD BE A GOOD DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…he has some advantages over Hillary: Firstly he's less likely to have votes siphoned away by Ralph Nader, who is again running as an independent - perhaps Nader's greatest political impact in 4 presidential runs was giving Al Gore's chances a nipple-cripple in 2000 - and secondly, Obama never voted to go to war in Iraq; though this point is possibly superseded by the fact that he didn’t vote against the war either – he wasn’t even a senator when the vote took place. However, his possible inexperience aside, Obama would bring a bit of Rock Star to the general election. The kids love him, lefties love him, and Beatles concert-like swooning has been reported at some gatherings. He could go far, as long as his supporters can control themselves on polling day; tearing ones clothes off and screaming the candidates name is apparently an invalid voting technique - though it makes more sense than the electoral college system.
WOULD BE A BAD DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…he may get seriously challenged by McCain on the national security issue. With two polarised viewpoints on the war and foreign policy in general, many average Americans may go with the ‘safer’ option of McCain. Also, his name sounds like Osama. And isn’t that BROWN skin, not ‘black’? Desert-browned skin perhaps…? And LOOK! He’s wearing a turban!!!!
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT…:
…well he IS a black guy, so you can expect him to pimp out all of America’s finest bitches to visiting dignitaries; pop many-a-cap in the asses of all those frontin’ mutha fuckers in the desert; and he’ll probably rob a liquor store on the way home from congress or something.
***REPUBLICANS***
John McCain
3 SECOND GUIDE:
John McCain was a prisoner of war in Vietnam for five and a half years. In this time he was beaten nearly to death and repeatedly tortured, yet never gave up vital information (citing the names of players from his favourite football team instead of giving up the names of his men). He even refused early release, as there were men in captivity that had been there longer than him. There goes some grit, right there.
It’s also rumoured that he once ate a raw steak carved from an enemy’s thigh – though the source on that one is a tad fuzzy.
RACE SO FAR:
John McCain has delivered knockout blows to Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson (and other hangers-on), with only Mike Huckabee and a quite-likely insane Ron Paul delaying his inevitable nomination. Romney was once considered the front-runner for the nomination, but made many conservative voters wary with his Mormon beliefs – where was he going to house all his extra First Ladies? Giuliani was relying almost solely on how he handled 9/11 as mayor of New York, and was expected to be a strong candidate, but his strategy involved a tiny flaw – concentrating on Florida and not campaigning in the early rounds. By the time the old people and alligators got a say, Rudy was already out of the running. As for Fred Thompson, or as he is better (and more popularly) known, District Attorney Arthur Branch, before he quit the race opinion polls showed the only variable having a positive effect on his campaign was the quality of that weeks’ repeat of Law and Order. Unfortunately this weekly bump was severely counteracted when Thompson, in a move against which he should have been warned, spoke in public on the campaign trail.
WOULD BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
… he’s got big, hard nuts. Republicans need to be stern and dour faced, as their primary campaign strategy is to subtly promote Fear and Intolerance. McCain should learn to never smile – when he does it seems quite forced, rather like that deleted scene from Terminator 2 when the brat tries to make Arnie seem more human:
I assume McCain was taught this exact lesson by his campaign manager or a minder or some such:
He should forget it immediately - it could prove a costly mistake.
WOULD BE A BAD REPUBLICAN NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…he’s less aligned with Satan than many Republicans. While current VP Dick Cheney is surely the Devil’s own progeny, McCain’s position amongst the forces of evil is a little more muddied. McCain previously held sensible views on many issues: he opposed large tax cuts for the rich, proposed a pathway to citizenship for many of the country’s 12 million illegal immigrants, supported legal abortion rather than have women undertake “illegal and dangerous operations”, and was once battling to end the US Military’s use of torture. However, he has changed his view on all these issues in the last few years – and has always been a staunch supporter of the Iraq war and the troop surge. There’s no doubt he was spewed forth from the underworld, but it’s possible he was originally a simple denizen of one of Hell’s minor levels. Judging by his demeanour, it was level 5, where the ‘angry and sullen’ dwell.
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT…:
John McCain will be 72 years old at the time of his inauguration. However, he won’t be the first president to wear nappies. That honour goes to Jimmy Carter, though his use was recreational, and not due to age-related incontinence.
MIKE HUCKABEE
3 SECOND GUIDE:
Huckabee, a Baptist minister, appeals to those voters that like their politickin' with a side order of God. Yeee-hah! Some say he has an all-American charm; I say that his ‘wholesomeness’ is disquietingly similar to that exuded by Dylan Thomas’ character in the film ‘Happiness’:
RACE SO FAR:
Huckabee has been campaigning with Chuck Norris in an effort to lure young voters. This may backfire amongst Vietnamese-American voters, who now have a legitimate reason to fear for their lives:
Huckabee has proven popular in the crucifix carrying states, winning more contests than was expected. This may be put down to the intervention of God, who Huckabee plans to enlist to personally re-draft the US constitution:
“…it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view.” - Mike Huckabee 14/1/08
WOULD BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
Ain’t going to happen: McCain has it wrapped up. I personally think Huck is only staying in the race to prove his popularity in the Bible Belt, which is yet to express its full confidence in McCain, and hence set himself up as a potential Vice Presidential candidate. And as a bonus, if named McCain’s running mate, the cheery, happy-go-lucky Huck and the gruff former POW would transform watching the campaign into a nostalgic throwback to my cartoon loving youth:
WOULD BE A BAD REPUBLICAN NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
Huck lost 50-odd kilograms in 2003 after being given 10 years to live if he remained a fatty. This may not sit well with the party’s base in Middle America, who refuse to lose weight if it means giving up 'value for money' at the dinner table:
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT…:
…then we should, just as I'm sure Huckabee would, all bow down to the glory of the Lord, ‘cos it’d be a freakin’ miracle.
***DEMOCRATS***
Hillary Clinton
3 SECOND GUIDE:
As First Lady, Hillary’s proposed Health Care Bill was famously defeated in 1994. She spent the rest of her First Ladyship more concerned with Bill’s heath care, which included an incongruous number of penicillin shots – the reason for which became apparent in 1998.
RACE SO FAR:
Two things have marked Hillary’s campaign-
1)The fact that the one-time front runner has been dacked by Obama in the last few months - once considered a near-certainty to grab the nomination she may be out of the race as early as tomorrow if she loses big in Ohio and Texas.
2)The tears she shed in early January. Interestingly enough the media’s response to the incident shied away from sexist remarks about pressure and a woman being President and such, like… what if she cries ALL the time? ..when negotiating trade agreements, or when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says nasty things behind her back, or when she can’t find shoes to match her tastefully androgynous pantsuit…? No, none of that. In fact most media commentators went in the other direction and questioned the sincerity of the tears, putting it down to a stunt and not believing that such a cold-hard bitch could have - let alone express - any such emotion. I was in this latter camp, as I’d read reports that she’d had her tear ducts surgically removed in 2001.
WOULD BE A GOOD DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…she’d make a formidable candidate in the general election, despite her vagina. Hillary claims more experience than Obama when it comes to matters of foreign policy, which could make the impending tussle with McCain a tad less worrisome. However…
WOULD BE A BAD DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…she’s given the ‘more experienced than Obama’ angle a solid go for the last few months. It’s her go-to attack, culminating in this fairly hideous advertisement:
This angle hasn’t helped her so far; in fact it seems most voters don’t care if she’s got years of experience, or if her sole practice in foreign affairs is shooing all the Thai hookers out of Bill’s rumpus room.
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT…:
…well she IS a woman, so you can expect her to confound other world leaders with that weird indirect talk that chicks seem to love:
Chick: ‘I’m reading a really great book at the moment.’
Translation: ‘I don’t want to go to the movie. I’d like to stay home and read a book.’
Chick: ‘You know, I think the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty is just nifty.’
Translation: ‘Knock it off with the nuke shit or we’ll shoot you all.’
(On a totally unrelated note – can anyone surmise why I’m still single…?)
Barack Obama
3 SECOND GUIDE:
Isn’t he just dreamy? Listen to the guy talk and you can see why he draws comparisons to JFK and Martin Luther King Jr. Unfortunately these comparisons have also brought fears that his assassination is inevitable. On the upside, if he does get shot the resulting sympathy vote will almost surely deliver the White House to the Democrats. Nice.
RACE SO FAR:
Along with performing far better than most people expected, speculation about Obama’s religion has also been a key feature of his campaign. He has repeatedly had to deny claims that he is a suicide bomber - oh sorry, a Muslim – most recently when the Clinton camp circulated this photo of Obama on a diplomatic trip to Africa:
George Bush had a similar problem a few years ago when this photo did the rounds:
It was thought that his approval rating would take a big hit until it was revealed that Bush is NOT actually a Mexican - he’s just an arsehole.
WOULD BE A GOOD DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…he has some advantages over Hillary: Firstly he's less likely to have votes siphoned away by Ralph Nader, who is again running as an independent - perhaps Nader's greatest political impact in 4 presidential runs was giving Al Gore's chances a nipple-cripple in 2000 - and secondly, Obama never voted to go to war in Iraq; though this point is possibly superseded by the fact that he didn’t vote against the war either – he wasn’t even a senator when the vote took place. However, his possible inexperience aside, Obama would bring a bit of Rock Star to the general election. The kids love him, lefties love him, and Beatles concert-like swooning has been reported at some gatherings. He could go far, as long as his supporters can control themselves on polling day; tearing ones clothes off and screaming the candidates name is apparently an invalid voting technique - though it makes more sense than the electoral college system.
WOULD BE A BAD DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…he may get seriously challenged by McCain on the national security issue. With two polarised viewpoints on the war and foreign policy in general, many average Americans may go with the ‘safer’ option of McCain. Also, his name sounds like Osama. And isn’t that BROWN skin, not ‘black’? Desert-browned skin perhaps…? And LOOK! He’s wearing a turban!!!!
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT…:
…well he IS a black guy, so you can expect him to pimp out all of America’s finest bitches to visiting dignitaries; pop many-a-cap in the asses of all those frontin’ mutha fuckers in the desert; and he’ll probably rob a liquor store on the way home from congress or something.
***REPUBLICANS***
John McCain
3 SECOND GUIDE:
John McCain was a prisoner of war in Vietnam for five and a half years. In this time he was beaten nearly to death and repeatedly tortured, yet never gave up vital information (citing the names of players from his favourite football team instead of giving up the names of his men). He even refused early release, as there were men in captivity that had been there longer than him. There goes some grit, right there.
It’s also rumoured that he once ate a raw steak carved from an enemy’s thigh – though the source on that one is a tad fuzzy.
RACE SO FAR:
John McCain has delivered knockout blows to Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson (and other hangers-on), with only Mike Huckabee and a quite-likely insane Ron Paul delaying his inevitable nomination. Romney was once considered the front-runner for the nomination, but made many conservative voters wary with his Mormon beliefs – where was he going to house all his extra First Ladies? Giuliani was relying almost solely on how he handled 9/11 as mayor of New York, and was expected to be a strong candidate, but his strategy involved a tiny flaw – concentrating on Florida and not campaigning in the early rounds. By the time the old people and alligators got a say, Rudy was already out of the running. As for Fred Thompson, or as he is better (and more popularly) known, District Attorney Arthur Branch, before he quit the race opinion polls showed the only variable having a positive effect on his campaign was the quality of that weeks’ repeat of Law and Order. Unfortunately this weekly bump was severely counteracted when Thompson, in a move against which he should have been warned, spoke in public on the campaign trail.
WOULD BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
… he’s got big, hard nuts. Republicans need to be stern and dour faced, as their primary campaign strategy is to subtly promote Fear and Intolerance. McCain should learn to never smile – when he does it seems quite forced, rather like that deleted scene from Terminator 2 when the brat tries to make Arnie seem more human:
I assume McCain was taught this exact lesson by his campaign manager or a minder or some such:
He should forget it immediately - it could prove a costly mistake.
WOULD BE A BAD REPUBLICAN NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
…he’s less aligned with Satan than many Republicans. While current VP Dick Cheney is surely the Devil’s own progeny, McCain’s position amongst the forces of evil is a little more muddied. McCain previously held sensible views on many issues: he opposed large tax cuts for the rich, proposed a pathway to citizenship for many of the country’s 12 million illegal immigrants, supported legal abortion rather than have women undertake “illegal and dangerous operations”, and was once battling to end the US Military’s use of torture. However, he has changed his view on all these issues in the last few years – and has always been a staunch supporter of the Iraq war and the troop surge. There’s no doubt he was spewed forth from the underworld, but it’s possible he was originally a simple denizen of one of Hell’s minor levels. Judging by his demeanour, it was level 5, where the ‘angry and sullen’ dwell.
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT…:
John McCain will be 72 years old at the time of his inauguration. However, he won’t be the first president to wear nappies. That honour goes to Jimmy Carter, though his use was recreational, and not due to age-related incontinence.
MIKE HUCKABEE
3 SECOND GUIDE:
Huckabee, a Baptist minister, appeals to those voters that like their politickin' with a side order of God. Yeee-hah! Some say he has an all-American charm; I say that his ‘wholesomeness’ is disquietingly similar to that exuded by Dylan Thomas’ character in the film ‘Happiness’:
RACE SO FAR:
Huckabee has been campaigning with Chuck Norris in an effort to lure young voters. This may backfire amongst Vietnamese-American voters, who now have a legitimate reason to fear for their lives:
Huckabee has proven popular in the crucifix carrying states, winning more contests than was expected. This may be put down to the intervention of God, who Huckabee plans to enlist to personally re-draft the US constitution:
“…it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view.” - Mike Huckabee 14/1/08
WOULD BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
Ain’t going to happen: McCain has it wrapped up. I personally think Huck is only staying in the race to prove his popularity in the Bible Belt, which is yet to express its full confidence in McCain, and hence set himself up as a potential Vice Presidential candidate. And as a bonus, if named McCain’s running mate, the cheery, happy-go-lucky Huck and the gruff former POW would transform watching the campaign into a nostalgic throwback to my cartoon loving youth:
WOULD BE A BAD REPUBLICAN NOMINEE BECAUSE…:
Huck lost 50-odd kilograms in 2003 after being given 10 years to live if he remained a fatty. This may not sit well with the party’s base in Middle America, who refuse to lose weight if it means giving up 'value for money' at the dinner table:
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT…:
…then we should, just as I'm sure Huckabee would, all bow down to the glory of the Lord, ‘cos it’d be a freakin’ miracle.
posted by Mr Crisotunity at 8:00 PM
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